I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
