i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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