Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i love accidental penises.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She's the barista slut.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
