i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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