Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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