woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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