Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
