I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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