Don't make out with my wife yet
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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