I wanna bring you to show and tell
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
