hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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