I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
