I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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