Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize