can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
