So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
