You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
