we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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