and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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