im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
