he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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