Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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