I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She's the barista slut.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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