I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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