Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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