Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
