I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
