Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
