All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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