I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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