Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
