I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
