The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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