alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize