Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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