I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
