:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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