So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
