Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
