you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
