You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
