I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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