y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
