I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
