Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
