I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize