if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
