I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
