i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
