my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
