Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
