Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
