The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
