help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
