i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
