the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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