just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Randomize
