I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
